Wolves of the Heart

Wolves of the Heart

The Lord has impressed upon me to share a story from my own life with you, one that is still in the writing.  It is a journey you may be on also.

During my time at BIOLA in the Institute for Spiritual Formation, while I was in psychotherapy and spiritual direction, I had a dream.  It was a dream of extreme clarity and intensity, the kind the Holy Spirit uses to illumine something I might otherwise miss.

In the dream, I found myself in a room—a subterranean cavern—that was quite dark, and yet I could see clearly through the shadows as though everything were illuminated by a dark-yet-bright light.  There was someone standing off to my right, just out of my range of vision, who was a benevolent Presence, a Guide.

Before me on the floor of the cavern were many dark shapes, and as I looked more closely, I saw that they were wolves—hairy, gray, shadowy figures.  Although I recognized their potential menace to me, I was not frightened, only curious.  I looked from one to the next.  Some were in a deep sleep.  Some were licking their paws.  A couple of them stretched and yawned.  A few were lying quietly, watching me intently with brilliant, slanted yellow eyes.

As I studied them, I became aware of who they were.  They were the Wolves of my Soul, my subconscious, who had hidden there, buried beneath my conscious life on the Surface.  I realized that I had already met many of them.  There were some open spaces on the floor, and the Guide told me that those were left by the ones I had already “tamed”—the ones I was now, through trial and desperate clinging to Christ, at peace with. They no longer needed to live beneath the Surface because of the redemptive power of the Cross.  He named a few, and I smiled in fond recognition.

I gazed around the room from one face to another, and a shudder passed through me as I heard their names in my mind—Resentment, Excessive Fear, Indifference… it was a long list.  Some appeared frequently in my everyday life.  Some, the ones sleeping deeply, had not yet entered my conscious mind.  I had a heavy feeling as I imagined the struggle inherent in each one.

From the back of the cavern a black tunnel descended with railroad tracks running through it.  Waiting in the cavern was a small train of about 5 small, dark, empty cars, similar to pictures I have seen of coal cars.  The Presence indicated that I should ask some of the wolves on the floor to stand and follow me to the train, where I would put each of them into a car so that the train could take them to the Surface.   Even as I tapped them and indicated that they follow, the heaviness left me and I began to feel lighter, more hopeful.  I would not be left to meet them alone on the Surface.  The Guide said that He would be with me, that He had designed things this way, and that the Cross would be my refuge, my place of Transformation in each case.

As the train left the cavern, the Guide and I left the cavern, and I awoke.

I mulled over this dream for some time.  I talked to my therapist and my spiritual director about it.  They prayed, I prayed, and I waited.

Shortly after this dream I left on a 48-hour silent retreat, also required by my program.  The Wolves were beginning to take shape, and I began to draw them, praying as I drew.  They took on a more tangible shape as I drew and prayed, becoming multi-dimensional, almost tangible.  They were terrifying in their clarity, reaching deep into my childhood, my Loneliness, my Fear, my Anger.  God and I wrestled with them for a full day and I went to sleep exhausted, but not alone.

The second day of the retreat led me outside, and I discovered that the retreat center had a gift shop.  I browsed the shop, and came upon some cards that caught my eye.  One in particular was a detailed drawing by John Swanson of St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio.  It wasn’t a story I was familiar with, but the wolf and the man facing each other in the forest reminded me of the cavern from my dream, so I bought the card and took it back to my room to see what God might be saying to me.  I read the story of St. Francis and the Wolf, and as I read, the Holy Spirit began to speak.

St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio

The medieval town of Gubbio was deep in the forest near Francis’ town of Assisi.  For weeks they had been preyed upon by a bold and ravenous wolf who roamed the forest outside the city gates.  It began by devouring sheep from the town’s flocks.  Then one day a child ventured outside the gate, and it attached her, dragging her off to the woods to eat her.   When the men of the town followed with spears and clubs, the wolf attacked them and killed one of men.  After that incident, the people of the town closed the city gates, retreated to their houses, and lived in terror, wondering how they should ever escape the terrible wolf.

It was then that several people remembered that St. Francis was known for preaching even to animals, so a brave young runner was sent to the Church at Assisi to bring Francis back to Gubbio to confront the wolf.

Francis arrived in Gubbio the next day, and listened with concern and interest to the tales of fear and horror from the townspeople.  Neither fierce combat nor fearful retreat had deterred the wolf’s attacks, and they begged Francis to tell the wolf to leave them alone.

Francis walked through the city gates alone—no one was brave enough to go with him—and calmly entered the forest, knowng that the wolf watched his every move.  He sat down on a bed of leaves in a clearing and waited.  Not a minute had passed before the wolf sprang into view.  He crouched at the edge of the clearing, fangs bared, a low, menacing growl coming from deep in his chest.

“Brother Wolf,” began Francis, “I have come to speak with you.  Would you join me in the clearing?”

The wolf was so surprised to hear a man speak clearly to him that he ceased his growling and came a bit closer.  Francis sat quietly, content to let the wolf take his time.   After several minutes of observing Francis, the wolf stepped fully into the clearing and sat in front of him.

“Brother Wolf, the children of God in Gubbio have come to fear you.  Can you tell me why you attack their sheep, their children, and their shepherds?”  Francis’ voice seemed to fill the clearing with light as he spoke.  Feeling secure and not so fierce now, the wolf began to tell his story.

He recounted his experiences as a pup who was left behind by the pack, having to learn to fend for himself in the woods.  As a young wolf he had been able to feed himself well by hunting, but now he found that he was older and slower than he used to be.  “And having no pack and no mate to hunt with me, I am hungry much of the time,” he whined, hanging his great, shaggy head. “So I have begun to seek food that is easier to catch.  Sheep have learned to depend on Man to feed them, and they no longer care for themselves, so they are easy prey.  Children are unaware of danger, so they are easily hunted. And even warriors become frozen with fear when faced with unknown dangers.”

Francis felt the desperation of the wolf’s hunger, and his shame for not being able to feed himself as he should.  He also saw the mark of the Creator in the wolf’s heart, and had compassion on him.

“Brother Wolf, it is not good to prey on the Children of God. They were not meant for your food, and because of fear they have ceased to recognize you as their Brother.  Let us make a plan together that will please Our Father in Heaven as well as those of us on Earth, then return to the town together,” proposed Francis. And he and the wolf shook hands, the wolf offering his paw as one would to a brother.

Man and wolf returned to the town, side by side, and as they entered through the gates together, a wide pathway opened up before them until they stood before the Mayor and the Magistrate in the center of town.  There they explained their plan, and then all parties shook hands as brothers, to the amazement of the town’s people.

The Magistrate then announced that it was agreed between the Wolf  and the people of Gubbio that from now on they would live in peace together.   The people would feed the wolf each day from their own stores, and the wolf in turn promised never again to attack the sheep or the people.  He also became the fierce Protector of Gubbio, keeping them safe from all unwelcome intruders. 

And they lived together in peace until the wolf died of old age.

Since then, the Holy Spirit reminds me frequently of the wolves in the cavern, and Francis’ meeting with the wolf in Gubbio.  Every time I raise my spear, pull myself up by the bootstraps of Fortitude, and attempt to beat back the snarling enemy from within, I am reminded that listening for the voice behind the snarl will get me further.  What causes the wolf to rise and threaten to attack?  Is she hungry?  Lonely?  Why is she defensive?  Why is she afraid?  Is there Sin that has been hiding, resistance to the voice of my Guide... “No.  I just want it to leave me alone!”  Am I afraid to look at her—to look at my own dark side?

Many times I just don’t want to look at the Truth about my heart.  Usually I don’t want to surrender to the Spirit.  What I need to do is to sit at foot of the Cross with Wolf who has appeared and be reconciled with God.  My head knows that there is full acceptance and full pardon there, that my Sin is no longer of any consequence to God…except that anywhere it hangs me up and makes me miserable now, it also makes me ineffective in the Kingdom, and my Father doesn’t want either of those things for me.

So, slowly the voice of the Spirit penetrates my hard head.  More frequently now, I remember that the sooner I surrender to God, the sooner it will be over, and I can walk in peace with a Wolf that has been transformed into my best friend.  The Wolves, after all, are only parts of myself that have been twisted and misshapen by Sin.  Seeking their other side with Jesus, I will discover parts of my True Self—the one He created and I then lost because of my sinful heart.

I envision a piece of artwork in my future where all the wolves who have ridden the train to the Surface have been transformed into happy dogs, domesticated by the Holy Spirit, ready to work and play with me at the feet of Jesus.

Wolves, are like whatever image you have for what lurks in your Hidden Heart.  They lie beneath the surface, quietly waiting for a weakening of our resolve, or a stressful time, or a time of physical pain when they suddenly leap out of hiding into our conscious life, surprising us, embarrassing us, shaming us…. “I thought I had that beaten.”  “You’d think by now I would know better than to let that get to me!”  “I  can’t believe I fell into that again.  I’ll have to try harder, be more careful, pray more, read my Bible more…..”

The Holy Spirit, who prays for us continually in a voice too deep for words, puts us in positions where we subconsciously agree to His plan to bring certain of our Wolves or Dragons to the surface so we can face them.  Then He faces them with us, reveals them to us, and helps us embrace these lost, corrupted parts of ourselves in order to lead them to the Cross for healing and transformation. 

Colossians 1: 23:  “…if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and have not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard…”

What is that hope?  It is the hope that we have of reconciliation of our lives with God, from the Cross onward, toward the goal of Union with God.  It is not merely a one-time surrender to Christ as Savior, but a continual surrender of our Hidden Heart to the Cross, a putting off of the old person and a putting on of the new person.  It is because of Christ and the hope being one with God that we can learn not to move away from/fight off the shadow creatures when they present themselves, but open our hearts in living sacrifice to Christ’s continual healing and the redemption of our innermost being.